Playing the odds

I haven't updated since October because, as I'd noted back then, I was at the threshold of something delicate and new and surprisingly special, and maybe it was that I was afraid of disrupting whatever it was... that by talking about it on a public forum like this, I'd ruin it somehow.

I didn't even dare to make New Years' Resolutions at first this year, because a larger part of me than I'd like to admit wanted to include my friend in any plans I wanted to make for my future. It was in making this realization that everything became clear to me, because isn't that what partnership is all about?

So here's to something different and something new, and something better. I know it's better because for all my reservations and cynicism, I am happy beyond the telling of it these days. I'm having all the giddy, surreal "we're a couple" feelings without any of the apprehension that comes with wondering when the other shoe is going to drop; when we'll have to have the talk where I explain that it's not them, it's me, and that sex is simply not on my agenda.

Here's to spooning and to holding hands under the table at Denny's, to the way she touches my elbow and introduces me as her girlfriend, to the time we spend writing together and laughing together and understanding each other in a way nobody has ever understood us before.

Most importantly, here's to pure luck. I played all sorts of odds and I gave up any hope that I could find something like this. I was resigned to either a life of loneliness or a future relationship where the sex was based on compromise. Instead I have this wonderful new unbelievable... miracle thing.

I feel like I should be playing the lottery while the going is good.