The Definition of Insanity

The one thing I've repeatedly learned from my sexual experiences in the past is that I don't particularly like sex. I don't care for it, I don't desire it, I don't look forward to it, I don't enjoy it. And yet, as if I suffer from some mystical sort of selective amnesia, I keep finding myself drawn to individuals, thinking that maybe this one time I could be persuaded to, if not become a sexual being, at least do a passable imitation of one. Maybe this one time I won't find myself recoiling, resentful, from the demands of my sexual partner.

Asexuals like me - who feel physical attraction and who possess a drive for romance and intimacy - sometimes talk about "the exception": that perfect parter for whom we might, just maybe, be willing to have a sexual relationship with. We wonder if one day we might meet someone so understanding, so wonderful, so lovely and charming and appealing, that we'd consider saying, "well, I wouldn't do it for anyone but you, baby."

The rational side of me says this is a pipe dream. I'm no more likely to meet the Perfect Partner with whom I'd be able to tolerate chandelier-swinging sex than an avowed straight man is likely to meet the one Perfect Guy for whom he'd be willing to give up women. Sure, it could happen, but what are the odds?

So why am I still responding to these personal ads? Because the insane side of me can't stop hoping for the odds to turn in my favor.

Can I date you and still get blowjobs on the side?*

*Serious question posed to me by one of the latest people I've been corresponding with in hopes of starting a relationship.

The kicker is that he posed this question not because I'm asexual and he's sexual, but because he's bisexual and wanted to retain his ability to cruise guys in a closeted, downlow kind of way while in a relationship with a woman. To his credit, he didn't word his proposition quite so crudely, but it was still the gist of his message.

I told him no, but I'll admit I gave it some thought, because this is an issue that some asexuals have had to - and are going to have to - deal with. I had to ask myself if I would be willing, maybe not in this case, but in others, to be in a relationship with someone who wants sex that I can't give them... and if so, would I be okay with them getting that sex elsewhere?

I have nothing against open relationships or polyamory, if that's what floats peoples' boats. I don't think it's necessarily impossible to be in love with more than one person, in different ways. I just don't think it's possible for me. I thought about this guy who wrote to me, and how even if I did have sex with him, I would never have all of the anatomy he needs to be satisfied. Would it be so wrong, I wondered, to let him have that tiny bit of pleasure I can never give him, when he's still coming home to me at the end of the day?

For me the answer had to be yes, because I don't think I can love like that. If I can't even understand what it's like to need a sexual experience so badly that a relationship can end over lack of sex, how can I possibly begin to understand what it's like to need a sexual experience so badly that you must look outside of your committed relationship in order to have it?

I thought about the argument that such sex is "just about the body," or "just about release," and that I'd have the commitment of person inside that body, which is what counts, but I don't know. If I can't understand the person inside the body - what motivates them, what makes them happy - then what kind of commitment is that? What's that commitment worth?

New York Times, baby

(Registration required to read full article, or you can read the text of it here.)

I love it when one of ours hits the big time. The more people who know about us and see that we're not socially inept, hideously ugly freaks, the better.

Of course, sometimes you get folks like the doctor who said that lacking a sex drive is like lacking a drive for water. Wow, sex is just as essential for life as water! Who knew? (Asshat.)

All in all, I'm very pleased with how the subject matter was handled. Here's to visibility! Here's to AVEN!