Adventures in Asexuality

Thursday, August 04, 2005

This train don't stop here anymore*

You know, I keep saying I'm going to quit, and time and time again I continue to cave in. Well, this time I really mean it. I'm not going to try to date sexuals anymore. It's just not worth it - not for me, and certainly not for them, either.

I met a nice enough guy. Smart, quirky, not too hard on the eyes, very engaging and charming by e-mail. We shared a few interests, and before long we agreed to meet for dinner and a movie. We had a blast. Cue date #2, which I nearly cancelled because I had the Head Cold From Hell. Nonetheless, he was very patient and understanding and bore my crabbiness, sniffles, and general unattractiveness like a champ.

However, he was also becoming increasingly demonstrative of his attraction towards me via e-mail. Jokes about having to sit on his hands, and breathless declarations of excitement to hear my voice abounded, and made me more than slightly uncomfortable. It was time, I decided, to let him know where I stood. Before our third date, I sent a lengthy e-mail explaining that I was asexual; what that term did and did not mean; and what I was looking for in a relationship. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to keep seeing me, but that I would value his friendship if he would let me have it.

He responded with a rant. Surely, he condescended to reason, I was merely one of "those women" who preferred emotional connections to sexual ones. But he was a virgin in his late twenties, he complained, and a victim of societal expectations and pressure! Was a few sweaty nights of mutual passion too much to ask?! And just "what the hell" did it mean to "just be friends" anyway, he wanted to know. Then he apologized for the rant and signed off.

I wish he'd never bothered to reply. The thing was, I did understand that he was frustrated, but I was offended by his response all the same. I was offended that he had the gall to suggest I was mistaken about my own sexuality. I was offended that he chose to describe his sexual fantasies to me in response to my very clear statement that I had no interest in it whatsoever. And it just plain pissed me off that he didn't seem to believe that "just" being friends was even worthwhile (did he even have female friends? I wondered. And if so, did he value them at all?)

The rest of the story is a bust. I calmly responded to his e-mail and addressed his concerns; we attempted to go through with date #3, but due to a mixup in the directions we ended up missing each other; I left him a voicemail hoping to reschedule, and he never replied. End scene, fade to black, and curtain.

So I've had it. I'm obviously doomed to loneliness for at least the next little while, and I had better get around to accepting it. I've never been a drinker, and I don't do drugs, so I guess I'll surround myself with books, music, and the internet while I wait to form a connection with somone who "gets it." Because yes, a few sweaty nights of mutual passion really is too much to ask.



*With apologies to Sir Elton John.