Can I date you and still get blowjobs on the side?*

*Serious question posed to me by one of the latest people I've been corresponding with in hopes of starting a relationship.

The kicker is that he posed this question not because I'm asexual and he's sexual, but because he's bisexual and wanted to retain his ability to cruise guys in a closeted, downlow kind of way while in a relationship with a woman. To his credit, he didn't word his proposition quite so crudely, but it was still the gist of his message.

I told him no, but I'll admit I gave it some thought, because this is an issue that some asexuals have had to - and are going to have to - deal with. I had to ask myself if I would be willing, maybe not in this case, but in others, to be in a relationship with someone who wants sex that I can't give them... and if so, would I be okay with them getting that sex elsewhere?

I have nothing against open relationships or polyamory, if that's what floats peoples' boats. I don't think it's necessarily impossible to be in love with more than one person, in different ways. I just don't think it's possible for me. I thought about this guy who wrote to me, and how even if I did have sex with him, I would never have all of the anatomy he needs to be satisfied. Would it be so wrong, I wondered, to let him have that tiny bit of pleasure I can never give him, when he's still coming home to me at the end of the day?

For me the answer had to be yes, because I don't think I can love like that. If I can't even understand what it's like to need a sexual experience so badly that a relationship can end over lack of sex, how can I possibly begin to understand what it's like to need a sexual experience so badly that you must look outside of your committed relationship in order to have it?

I thought about the argument that such sex is "just about the body," or "just about release," and that I'd have the commitment of person inside that body, which is what counts, but I don't know. If I can't understand the person inside the body - what motivates them, what makes them happy - then what kind of commitment is that? What's that commitment worth?