Everybody likes FAQs!

Allow me to answer some questions I've already heard asked of others, in some form or another, to head people off before they ask them of me. Please note that I do not speak for all asexuals. We are all different and have our own experiences and views. The one thing binding us can be summed up on the front page of the AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) site: we do not experience sexual attraction.

For someone who says they don't want to have sex, you sure spend a lot of time talking about it.

You know, if you had a baseball blog, I'm pretty sure there would be a lot of entries about baseball in there - probably a number approaching 100%, even. This is an asexuality blog; therefore, I only post about those issues pertaining to my asexuality here. I have a lot of things going on in my life that have nothing to do with being asexual. I'm just not telling you about any of it.

Why are you anonymous if this is all about coming out?

Uh, because I'm a coward?

To paraphrase President George W. Bush, "coming out is hard!" I may be making it out to be a lot worse than it really is, but I'm not ready to unveil myself before God and the universe (and my circle of friends) until I've really hammered out what my asexuality does and doesn't mean for me and my life. That's why I'm here - to figure things out.

You're probably just gay and in denial or something.

No, I'm not gay, thanks for asking. I actually swing both ways - or neither, from the asexual point of view. I've heard it called "bi-asexual" or "bisensual." So, I'm not a repressed lesbian who just finds men icky (besides, lots of straight women find men icky, and that doesn't stop them from forming relationships with them). I happen to find both men and women attractive, though I tend to crush on men more often than women, and form emotional attachments more quickly with women than with men.

What's "bisensual?" What do you do, if you don't have sex?

Bisensual means I like hugging, holding hands, cuddling and light kissing with the people I like, of either gender. It's a level of affection that's a bit over and above the call of duty for platonic friends. I also don't shy away from skin-to-skin contact; I think it's pleasant and it makes me happy, but it doesn't drive me to distraction or whatever else you might think it does.

Are you just holding back for religious reasons?

No. I'm not even very religious.

Although it may look the same from a distance, choosing to remain celibate for personal, religious, or health reasons (or being someone who cannot have sex for medical reasons) is completely different from being asexual. I'm not a person who wants to have sex but can't, or has decided not to, or is avoiding temptation, or what have you. I don't want to have sex at all. So, no, I'm not waiting for marriage. I'm waiting for... death, I guess. Orgy at my place in the afterlife and everyone's invited!

So, no sex, huh? Ever?

Not if I can help it, no. I don't hate sex - I just don't care for it. I don't get what the big deal is. It's about as appealing to me as a gynecological exam.

Are you sure you weren't abused as a child or something?

Yes. I had a very affectionate, normal childhood, and a healthy relationship with my parents, and I have a healthy body image as well - in case you were wondering.

Well, you just don't know what you're missing.

Actually, I do. I'm not a virgin. I've also experienced orgasm, but I don't need another person around for that. In fact, I've never once had an orgasm and thought, "you know what would make this even better? Someone else all up in my personal space at this very moment."

But even if I were a virgin, I don't have to smoke pot to know I have no interest in trying it, do I? More power to you if you enjoy it, but I'm just not inclined to participate.

I bet I could get you to love sex.

No, I really bet you couldn't. Also, back off, buddy.

You're just saying you don't like sex because you're ugly/can't get any.

Wow, the people I've dated and slept with might beg to differ. Anyway, I happen to be very fiesty and cute. You only wish you were as cute as me.

You just have a low sex drive! I know all about it, and have heard that therapy/testosterone supplements/Viagra can help.

Uh, thanks for the advice. But low sex drive is only considered a problem if the person seeking treatment thinks it's a problem. If you want to want to have sex, but just can't summon the interest for it, and it's bothering you, you should seek treatment, whether that means therapy or hormones, or both.

Asexuals don't consider this lack of sex drive a problem. They are perfectly satisfied with their lives as they currently exist, and the above mentioned treatments would not be helpful in those cases.

But don't worry, my sex drive (defined here as the desire for sexual release) is just fine. I know this because I once spent 90 days on anti-depressants and wondered why the hell I couldn't, er, release, anymore.

Wait - if you masturbate and have dated and had sex, you're not really asexual!

Please see how I've defined asexuality above.

Let me put it this way: I have never been turned on by another person, ever, in my life. I have been in love, I have had my heart broken, and I have known people I thought were so beautiful they made me cry. But none of them have ever turned me on.

So do you ever plan to get married or have kids, then, with this no-sex thing you have going on?

If I should be so lucky to find someone I'm crazy about, who's crazy about me too, he or she will know about this part of my identity and I would be honoured to spend the rest of my life with him or her (though if I were living in the United States, I'd better hope it's not a "she!"). It's possible to be in love and share a life together and still not have sex.

But for the record, I'm willing to have a little sex if it's that important to my partner. Relationships are often about compromise and I understand that. My partner, in turn, would have to understand that it would be like asking me to massage his/her feet: he/she'll enjoy it a lot more than I will.

As for kids... no. Children are strange and foreign to me. Cute, though.