Adventures in Asexuality

Friday, I'm in love

2006-11-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's not Friday. But I realize I haven't updated in far too long, and although I really have nothing new to report, I should probably give this a go.

(Wasn't that a great song by The Cure, by the way? I'm not really a Cure fan, but it really takes me back. To a time that was simpler, easier. To a time when I didn't have to pay rent, or work 8 hours a day. To a time when I had a curfew, and fought with my parents, and.... okay, so not everything was great back then.)

We started dating on a Friday, and it's been roughly ten months since then. Thankfully -- since Thanksgiving is upon us, I might as well throw a thought that way -- neither of us is sentimental enough to remember exact dates. Although I may joke that I'm the "girl" in this relationship, we're both pretty much more like your average guy. ("How long've we been together now?" "I dunno. A while, I guess.")

This is my longest-lasting relationship since I was in high school, but at my ripe old age, long-term relationships lead to thoughts of shared dwellings and eventual marriage, and not, you know, what one is going to do while one's significant other heads off to college in another state. It's a bit scary, being the hermit that I am and realizing that I wouldn't mind having my Better Half around on a more permanent basis.

It's scarier still, discovering with a shock that I kind of maybe sort of am experiencing the L word (no, not the entertaining, if somewhat melodramatic Showtime series). Putting myself out there to be potentially heart-broken makes me want to run for the hills normally, and normally I've ended things, or sabotaged them, long before they get to this point. But... blah blah, don't deserve her, blah blah, makes me want to be a better woman, blah blah.

....no, I'm fine. I just have something in my eye. No, really. Go away.

Playing the odds

2006-02-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated since October because, as I'd noted back then, I was at the threshold of something delicate and new and surprisingly special, and maybe it was that I was afraid of disrupting whatever it was... that by talking about it on a public forum like this, I'd ruin it somehow.

I didn't even dare to make New Years' Resolutions at first this year, because a larger part of me than I'd like to admit wanted to include my friend in any plans I wanted to make for my future. It was in making this realization that everything became clear to me, because isn't that what partnership is all about?

So here's to something different and something new, and something better. I know it's better because for all my reservations and cynicism, I am happy beyond the telling of it these days. I'm having all the giddy, surreal "we're a couple" feelings without any of the apprehension that comes with wondering when the other shoe is going to drop; when we'll have to have the talk where I explain that it's not them, it's me, and that sex is simply not on my agenda.

Here's to spooning and to holding hands under the table at Denny's, to the way she touches my elbow and introduces me as her girlfriend, to the time we spend writing together and laughing together and understanding each other in a way nobody has ever understood us before.

Most importantly, here's to pure luck. I played all sorts of odds and I gave up any hope that I could find something like this. I was resigned to either a life of loneliness or a future relationship where the sex was based on compromise. Instead I have this wonderful new unbelievable... miracle thing.

I feel like I should be playing the lottery while the going is good.

That asexual thang

2005-10-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'd love to post something long and exciting for the drive-by viewers that occasionally comment, because I feel I owe you all something entertaining. Alas, I've never been very good at lying, so what you'll get is the truth instead.

The truth is that I've met someone. I don't know if this is The Someone, of Soul Mate mythology. You know, the one they all talk about and say everyone's got to find someday (if pop songs are to be believed). But I have met someone, and that someone is asexual, and so far we get along famously.

We're not a couple. I don't know if we will ever be a couple, and if we ever became a couple, I'm not sure how our interactions would change exactly. We've never done the asexual dating thing before, so we're sort of feeling our way around for now. But it feels wonderful, not worrying about expectations, not having to explain what I'm comfortable with and why. We joke about having hot steamy sex and I don't have to question whether secretly that's on any future agenda. It's like a dream, and part of me wants to rush things so that I can see where we end up, while part of me wants to linger, to savor the friendship we're building and the hope we're hanging on to for the future.

The rest, I guess, is up in the air. Whether things move on from here remains to be seen, but either way, I'm sure to get a story out of it. If nothing else, I've learned an awful lot about what I like and what I want, and now that I've seen what could be, I know now that I'll never stand for less.

This train don't stop here anymore*

2005-08-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

You know, I keep saying I'm going to quit, and time and time again I continue to cave in. Well, this time I really mean it. I'm not going to try to date sexuals anymore. It's just not worth it - not for me, and certainly not for them, either.

I met a nice enough guy. Smart, quirky, not too hard on the eyes, very engaging and charming by e-mail. We shared a few interests, and before long we agreed to meet for dinner and a movie. We had a blast. Cue date #2, which I nearly cancelled because I had the Head Cold From Hell. Nonetheless, he was very patient and understanding and bore my crabbiness, sniffles, and general unattractiveness like a champ.

However, he was also becoming increasingly demonstrative of his attraction towards me via e-mail. Jokes about having to sit on his hands, and breathless declarations of excitement to hear my voice abounded, and made me more than slightly uncomfortable. It was time, I decided, to let him know where I stood. Before our third date, I sent a lengthy e-mail explaining that I was asexual; what that term did and did not mean; and what I was looking for in a relationship. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to keep seeing me, but that I would value his friendship if he would let me have it.

He responded with a rant. Surely, he condescended to reason, I was merely one of "those women" who preferred emotional connections to sexual ones. But he was a virgin in his late twenties, he complained, and a victim of societal expectations and pressure! Was a few sweaty nights of mutual passion too much to ask?! And just "what the hell" did it mean to "just be friends" anyway, he wanted to know. Then he apologized for the rant and signed off.

I wish he'd never bothered to reply. The thing was, I did understand that he was frustrated, but I was offended by his response all the same. I was offended that he had the gall to suggest I was mistaken about my own sexuality. I was offended that he chose to describe his sexual fantasies to me in response to my very clear statement that I had no interest in it whatsoever. And it just plain pissed me off that he didn't seem to believe that "just" being friends was even worthwhile (did he even have female friends? I wondered. And if so, did he value them at all?)

The rest of the story is a bust. I calmly responded to his e-mail and addressed his concerns; we attempted to go through with date #3, but due to a mixup in the directions we ended up missing each other; I left him a voicemail hoping to reschedule, and he never replied. End scene, fade to black, and curtain.

So I've had it. I'm obviously doomed to loneliness for at least the next little while, and I had better get around to accepting it. I've never been a drinker, and I don't do drugs, so I guess I'll surround myself with books, music, and the internet while I wait to form a connection with somone who "gets it." Because yes, a few sweaty nights of mutual passion really is too much to ask.

*With apologies to Sir Elton John.

The Definition of Insanity

2005-06-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

The one thing I've repeatedly learned from my sexual experiences in the past is that I don't particularly like sex. I don't care for it, I don't desire it, I don't look forward to it, I don't enjoy it. And yet, as if I suffer from some mystical sort of selective amnesia, I keep finding myself drawn to individuals, thinking that maybe this one time I could be persuaded to, if not become a sexual being, at least do a passable imitation of one. Maybe this one time I won't find myself recoiling, resentful, from the demands of my sexual partner.

Asexuals like me - who feel physical attraction and who possess a drive for romance and intimacy - sometimes talk about "the exception": that perfect parter for whom we might, just maybe, be willing to have a sexual relationship with. We wonder if one day we might meet someone so understanding, so wonderful, so lovely and charming and appealing, that we'd consider saying, "well, I wouldn't do it for anyone but you, baby."

The rational side of me says this is a pipe dream. I'm no more likely to meet the Perfect Partner with whom I'd be able to tolerate chandelier-swinging sex than an avowed straight man is likely to meet the one Perfect Guy for whom he'd be willing to give up women. Sure, it could happen, but what are the odds?

So why am I still responding to these personal ads? Because the insane side of me can't stop hoping for the odds to turn in my favor.

Can I date you and still get blowjobs on the side?*

2005-06-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

*Serious question posed to me by one of the latest people I've been corresponding with in hopes of starting a relationship.

The kicker is that he posed this question not because I'm asexual and he's sexual, but because he's bisexual and wanted to retain his ability to cruise guys in a closeted, downlow kind of way while in a relationship with a woman. To his credit, he didn't word his proposition quite so crudely, but it was still the gist of his message.

I told him no, but I'll admit I gave it some thought, because this is an issue that some asexuals have had to - and are going to have to - deal with. I had to ask myself if I would be willing, maybe not in this case, but in others, to be in a relationship with someone who wants sex that I can't give them... and if so, would I be okay with them getting that sex elsewhere?

I have nothing against open relationships or polyamory, if that's what floats peoples' boats. I don't think it's necessarily impossible to be in love with more than one person, in different ways. I just don't think it's possible for me. I thought about this guy who wrote to me, and how even if I did have sex with him, I would never have all of the anatomy he needs to be satisfied. Would it be so wrong, I wondered, to let him have that tiny bit of pleasure I can never give him, when he's still coming home to me at the end of the day?

For me the answer had to be yes, because I don't think I can love like that. If I can't even understand what it's like to need a sexual experience so badly that a relationship can end over lack of sex, how can I possibly begin to understand what it's like to need a sexual experience so badly that you must look outside of your committed relationship in order to have it?

I thought about the argument that such sex is "just about the body," or "just about release," and that I'd have the commitment of person inside that body, which is what counts, but I don't know. If I can't understand the person inside the body - what motivates them, what makes them happy - then what kind of commitment is that? What's that commitment worth?

New York Times, baby

2005-06-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

(Registration required to read full article, or you can read the text of it here.)

I love it when one of ours hits the big time. The more people who know about us and see that we're not socially inept, hideously ugly freaks, the better.

Of course, sometimes you get folks like the doctor who said that lacking a sex drive is like lacking a drive for water. Wow, sex is just as essential for life as water! Who knew? (Asshat.)

All in all, I'm very pleased with how the subject matter was handled. Here's to visibility! Here's to AVEN!

Thou shalt not kid thyself

2005-05-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

There was a time in my life when I sought religion. I was seventeen years old and I had a boyfriend, and all I wanted to do was have sex (yes, me! asexual me!). I thought about sex constantly - whether other people were having it, whether they were enjoying it, whether my boyfriend would enoy it, whether I would enjoy it, whether I could get my boyfriend to do it, whether I ought to try to get my boyfriend to do it.

The problem was that I didn't know the answers to any of the above questions. The problem was that I was seventeen years old and obsessed with sex, yet I didn't feel any drive to have it - just an intellectual infatuation with knowing everything there was to know about it. I was obsessed with sex because, I thought, everyone else was obsessed with sex. My reservations weren't driven by a religious desire to remain a virgin until marriage, though, and for some reason that made them feel hollow. The books all said that I would know when I felt ready for sex, but the truth was that I didn't know how I felt about sex at all. That was why I wanted to have it.

The solution to my problem, I thought, was to find religion. If I could find religion, I reasoned, I would have a moral reason for waiting, for putting my obsession aside. "We can't have sex yet," I could say, piously. "I'm waiting for our wedding night."
It would be so easy.

Well, my curiousity outpaced my religious quest, and before you can say "Gideon Bible," I had seduced my boyfriend (that was the easy part; after all, he was seventeen, too) and we started having sex, a lot of it. I kept wanting to enjoy it, kept wanting to get something out of it, but I just… didn't. I learned things - things about my body and my emotions and the thrill that posessing sexual power can give a woman - but I didn't learn to enjoy sex, even with a patient, attentive lover.

After that, I got my heart broken and didn't date again for several years, and when I did, I learned that little had changed where sex was concerned. I learned that what was "wrong" with me was that I was asexual, and that it wasn't "wrong" at all. And most importantly, I realized that if I had become a pious seventeen year old, I would never have learned these things until it was too late. I could have - and likely would have - ended up in a marriage with a nice boy whom I could barely stand to kiss, agonizing over why, if he was such a loving husband, I couldn't summon any physical attraction for him.

I really could have used a paragraph or two about asexuality back then, because you see, the books don't say what it means if you never feel ready for sex, or how your brain can think one thing and your body and libido can do another.

"We can't have sex," I could have said back then, confidently. "I'm asexual." And how cool would that have been?

Safe to say

2005-03-26T11:18:00.000-08:00

Well, that didn't last very long.

I was trying to hold off on posting on the off-chance New Open-Minded Guy was just busy and hadn't had time to get back to me for a couple of weeks (hey, I do it all the time. Heck, I do it even if I'm not busy. Laziness is a skill I've worked for many years to perfect). After all, I'd dropped The Bombshell and he even wrote back! He didn't immediately go running scared, so it had to be something else, right?

I guess now I'll never know. Yeah, well, screw you, New Open-Minded Guy. Or rather, don't screw you, because I won't. See how you like them apples.

This sort of thing always ends with me snivelling into my tea late at night, perusing the roughly dozen asexual personal ads out there and checking the box that says "willing to relocate." But hey, I don't sound desperate, do I? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, I've done it.

2005-02-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

I've come out to someone I've been chatting with, someone I've kindasortamaybe been discussing becoming involved with. And you know, it's funny - up until that moment I wasn't sure how I felt about him: if my feelings for him were favourable towards friendship or were capable of moving in a more crush-like direction.

Once I typed the words, though, it occurred to me that I would be hurt if he stopped talking to me, or stopped considering me as a potential partner, based on my asexuality. I've rejected people before, and been rejected before, and if I'm not yet attached to the person in question, my reaction is usually more along the lines of, "huh. Well, what an asshole. His loss," than "oh man, that really sucks."

I think it would really suck if I lost out with this guy.

Bored now.

2005-01-30T01:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like if I were a sexual person, I'd be the "love 'em and leave 'em" type of person. I have a bit of an intense personality - not intense interaction-wise, but when I'm interested in something, I'm really interested, and nothing can distract me from its pursuit until the subject has exhausted itself. I'm a stay-up-all-night-to-finish-that-last-chapter kind of person, when the desire is there.

However, I also have a short attention span, and I never know whether or not the Thing I'm Interested In Now is going to become the Thing I'm Obsessed About Tomorrow. Add this to my pickiness when it comes to seeking a mate, and it's practically a recipe for disaster.

I've been chatting with a few (sexual) prospects for dating, and I've discovered that after the initial thrill, I've become bored with them already. There's such a fine line between people I'd like to be friends with and people I'd like to date that I can't always tell if the chemistry is leading in one direction or another. It really sucks to chat with someone I think of as a friend, only to discover I'm developing a crush. But it sucks even more to chat with someone I'd like to date, only to discover I don't really want to date them after all.

What's the etiquette on that? How do you shift the tone of the conversation from "feeling you out as a potential partner" to "this shop is closed! how about that weather we've been having, huh?"

Only lobsters mate for life

2005-01-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

In the year and a half that I have known my roommate, she has been seriously involved with four men. Not all at the same time, of course (though there was some overlap between #2 and #3, come to think of it). But four. In 18 months.

She started out engaged to one, then broke up with him and started dating #2, which ended up badly, with tears and chocolate, and in the meantime, #3 was sort of a brief fling. Now - ha! - now she's pregnant with #4's baby. But hey, she says she's in love, and that this is the man she's going to spend the rest of her life with.

I feel like I've been living with an alien. Not only do I not understand what she sees in these people, I don't understand how she sees so many of them and manages to develop such strong feelings for them so quickly. Boyfriend #4? She's only known him for about three months! How can she possibly know she wants to spend the rest of her life with him and have his baby?

Don't get me wrong; this isn't an entry all about judging my roommate's questionable choices in men. It's the whole situation that's baffling to me. In talking about her relationships, she displays exactly the kind of behaviour I think people are expected to display, and it only serves to frighten me. When her knees physically buckle as she describes her boyfriend's physique, or she talks about how she feels sick and can't think straight when he's not with her, she sounds like every pop song ever written over the past fifty years, and I can't say that I have the faintest idea what she's talking about.

Is that sexual attraction? Is that what it feels like? Is that what it does to you? My roommate's serial dating aside, I wonder if this is what the world at large means when it uses words like "love" and "desire" and "want."

I feel like such a stranger.

Be Optimistic, Not Delusional

2005-01-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

I've recently been corresponding with someone who lives very far away and is looking for a relationship. This is a person I get along with, who knows how far away I live, has seen my pictures, and still wants to keep writing. Boy, is he in for a surprise! Ha ha!

I haven't mentioned that I'm asexual yet, but we're not really at the deep-reveal level of conversation, either. At the moment we're still only discussing surface things like movies, weather and job pursuits. But he's very friendly and any time I manage to keep a new online friendship going for more than a week, I'm pretty impressed with myself.

Of course my imagination has gotten away from me and I'm already envisioning the possiblities of a long-distance relationship, complete with late-night instant-messenger chats and culminating in a romantic encounter at an international airport wherein he greets me with a single rose and a teddy bear wearing a foreign cap.

But hey, I do that to all the regulars. Almost any good friendship I maintain leads to me developing asexual crushes. Once you take the "would I have sex with this person?" aspect out of the equation (since for me it's a purely academic question free from pesky factors like actual sexual attraction), suddenly everybody seems a whole lot more appealing. Any time I encounter a kindred spirit in some form or another, I get all starry-eyed and drift off into fantasyland. Imagine, I think to myself. Watching movies with this person would be so much fun!

So I've got myself a new crush. The exhileration is building! What adventures lie ahead for me and my uncommitted online penpal?

Book meme (very a-sexy!)

2005-01-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

All right, I have three books within arm's reach of me, and two of them are Harry Potter, so this is what you get instead:

"Who's working tonight?" I asked, hoping the answer would be "Jolene Blalock, and she wants to see you without your pants in her trailer right now."
-Wil Wheaton, Just A Geek

[obligatory asexual commentary]
It would just figure that the quote I'd find would be a sexual joke, right?
[/obligatory asexual commentary]

I do not think it means what you think it means

2005-01-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

It's a little disorienting living in this world as an asexual among sexuals, and coming to learn that the things you feel and the things you say are not the same as the things sexuals mean and say.

The first time I suspected I was a little different was nearly ten years ago, when I was comforting a girlfriend of mine after a particularly nasty breakup with her boyfriend. Talk turned to man-bashing, as it tends to do, and my friend said, "right now the thought of being with another man just makes me sick."

"Yeah," I agreed, having thought the same thing myself more than once. (I can't remember if I was still having sex with my boyfriend at the time or if we had broken up by then. No matter; my feelings about sex didn't change either way.)

"But," my friend added, "the thought of being with another woman is just as disgusting."

Hey, I thought. I'm sure it's not that bad.

Uh, another voice in my head said. Mayday! Mayday! Do not voice that thought aloud!

And that's how I knew I was different. Of course, then I thought I might be gay, or bisexual. After all, if I wasn't disgusted by the thought of sex with women, then that must mean I like the idea of sex with women, or would soon begin to... right?

It wasn't until recently that I realized my feelings about sex are really more like indifference to mild distaste, and have nothing to do with how I feel about the people themselves. What I didn't realize is that people actually feel strongly about who they do and don't want to have sex with, and here I've been using the terminology of sexuality all my life to indicate that I'm slightly inclined towards a person. For shame!

So, a few quick definitions, to set things straight:

Hot-- Usage: "Wow, that guy's hot."
When I use this term to describe someone, I mean that I think they are so attractive they probably even look good sneezing, or in the throes of passion (or other times when a lot of people look downright silly). It does not mean that I want anything to do with the throes of their passion.

It's like people who cry prettily. You know that kind of actor, right: the ones who cry with single tears tracking gracefully down their cheeks? This is as opposed to normal people, whose faces get all snot-filled and red and blotchy. Demi Moore in Ghost cries prettily. Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias? Not so much. Hotness is kinda like that for me.

Cute-- Usage: "You are so cute when you do that."
People who are cute remind me of babies and kittens and generally everything that is good in this world. They make me happy, and there ought to be more of them. Occasionally people who are cute are also hot, but not always. I have a tendency to fall in love with cute people (hot people are boring).

Want-- Usage: "Oh, my God, I want him so bad."
I'm stupid, okay? I didn't even know this had anything to do with sex until I was in my twenties. I honestly thought it meant you wanted to hang out with the person and be close. I'm so embarrassed to think about all the people I've said I wanted, and given the wrong idea to my friends and acquaintances.

(I still use the word, though, and to me it still means "Oh, my God, it would be so fun to talk about literature over coffee and go shopping for CDs and then jam at a concert with him.")

Sexy-- Usage: "That dance move you just did was really sexy."
That dance move you just did made me think you were hot. (see: hot.)

Horny-- Usage: "I'm really horny right now."
Actually, this term means the same thing to me as it does to sexuals, which is why I never use it. Psych!

No, it's not a #&%$ typo

2005-01-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I allow myself to sit back and imagine a future fantasy world in which asexuality is accepted as a sexual orientation (this might have to be preceded by homosexuality and bisexuality being accepted in the first place). And in that fantasy, I try to guess which side of the political spectrum is going to love/hate us most... (most... most...).

I like to think that the "left-wing liberal media" (whoever they are) would be among the first to support us. A substantial portion of us are gay- or bi-asexuals, and others are transgendered, so many of us are active in our GLBT communities in some form or another. If the GLBT community will have us - and there have already been strides made in this direction - there may one day be a GLBAT community or something.

On the other hand, I wonder if we might be appealing to the religious right, since we're the very opposite of the promiscuity and moral degradation they see running rampant in the world. No "abstinence only" education necessary for us, thanks - we already know we don't want it! Of course, the religious right might look at us as deviant freaks because we never want to have sex, and we could end up viewed with the same suspicion that's currently heaped on priests and other religious celibates.
But hey, at least we're not gay, right? Oh, wait.

*****

Occasionally, I consider dating religious men who are already inclined towards celibacy. Oh, not that I don't still intend to be honest about my asexuality, but I wonder if it might not be nice to date a guy and know he's not going to make a move on me because he's afraid God will maim him. You know, not a guy who's so religious that he wouldn't date a borderline agnostic or that he would try to convert me all the time, but religious enough.

*****

When I type "asexuality" or "asexual" into Google, it asks me if I'm sure I didn't mean "sexuality" or "sexual."
I'm just gonna lay that one out there without commenting.

I ain't missing you at all

2005-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Now, here's something I'm not so sure is an asexual thing and may just be more of an A-Sexy Mama thing, but: I don't miss people. In fact, my thesis for this entry is going to be that I'm pretty much an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of person.

I mean, I think about people I care about from time to time, and I have been known to recall people fondly. But when I am separated from family or friends by an ocean or a sizable chunk of land, I'm not one of those people who coos, "I miss you so much!" over the course of a heart-wrenching phone call. Come to think of it, I don't make heart-wrenching phone calls, either.

I have often wondered if this meant I was not capable of loving the people in my life as much as they love me. I'm not sure it's possible to measure the amount of love I have for my parents, say, versus the amount of love they have for me. I can tell you that the thought of losing either of them makes my blood run cold and has kept me up for more than one sleepless night pondering the possibilities. Yet if my father calls me his routine seventeen million times a day, just because he "misses the sound of [my] voice," I can't say I understand the sentiment. How about I just make you a mix tape of me, and you can listen to that any old time you like, huh, dad?

I have a friend who, when we're separated for over a week, will call to tell me how much she misses me. She says it like that: "I know I just saw you, but I just had to call you because I miss you so much!" Now, I love my friend dearly. I would give her the shirt off my back, the full contents of my bank account, the larger portion of my bed if she ever needed it. But I don't even think about eating as often as she claims to miss me, let alone missing food, and I need food to live. When I do think about her, it's along the lines of "yeah, that's my friend, and I love her," not "I must immediately communicate with her face to face, and if I can't, it's a tragedy! Woe!"

So what does this all mean? Is missing people a sign of sentimentality? Is not missing people a sign that I lack emotion? Is any of this because I'm an introvert? I am an ISTJ, but there's nothing in there about a lack of recurring warm fuzzy feelings towards loved ones. Really, all I need from them is a monthly update by e-mail. (You're fine? No diseases I should be worrying about? Great - we'll chat again next month sometime.)

And where will this leave me in my pursuit for a relationship? Seeing as I'm just as inclined to date someone who lives on another continent as I am to date someone who lives right down the block, you'd think this would make life easier. Hey, I'm the girlfriend you never have to see! Now with 100% less stereotypical feminine nagging! Now that's what I call low maintenance. We could date by e-mail, and just meet up for the wedding! It's so hassle-free.

Nobody ever really seems to go for the long-distance angle, though. I suppose I should feel like I'm missing out, but-- well, we all know how I am about that.

Organize Thy Priorities

2005-01-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

Overheard during a real conversation between a couple, named - oh, let's call them Abby Asexual and Sully Sexual.

Abby Asexual: Baby, I'm not going to be able to come over for New Year's, because my brakes are failing and I need to get my car checked out before I make any road trips.
Sully Sexual: ...
AA: I'm sorry?
SS: [sighing] It's just that I was so looking forward to sleeping with you tonight, then spending the next day lazing around in bed.
AA: ...
AA: Well, let me just risk a car accident so you can get laid, then.

Okay, maybe Abby Asexual didn't say that last part. But I'll bet she wanted to.

To (Personal) Ad or not to (Personal) Ad?

2004-12-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

Part of this New Year kicking-off experiment has got me wondering if I should place an ad to attract my asexual honey. I always come at it from the optimistic angle, thinking that I have plenty of options. Then I remember that I'm asexual and don't have many options at all.

I may be asexual, but I'm still like a lot of people in that I love to be in love. I love the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling, the giddiness that comes from being around the object of your affection, the stupid things you find yourself doing to impress the person you like. I like finding out I disagree with my crush about something, then discovering that I love them enough to overcome our differences. It's too bad, then, that this usually happens to me with gay men and straight women. Or, occasionally, with straight men or gay women who then want more than I feel comfortable giving them.

This is the difficulty of it, I think, and this is right about when I start to get down about the whole thing (see New Year's Resolution re: being negative). I start thinking it would be so much easier if I was like other asexuals who don't want to date or be in relationships. I have friends; it would be nice if all I wanted out of life was to continue having them and have nothing change between us. Or I think about how much easlier it would be if I was, well, less of an asexual and more of a sexual person, because then there would be no explaining necessary. No pre-date warning required, and no need to assure my date that my lack of interest in sex has nothing to do with how attractive I find him or her. It's not being asexual I mind, but did I have to be an in-betweener, too? I feel like I'm a subset of a subset of a subset.

What does an asexual put in his or her personal ad, anyway? There are a couple of asexual personal sites out there already, but there aren't very many of us to begin with. I'm a bit concerned about the incestuous possibilities of everyone in the asexual community dating one another, to tell you the truth. You'd always be running into someone who'd held hands with or stood very close to someone else... tensions and jealousy would run wild. Very messy.

Obviously this will have to be a two-parter while I contemplate my option. No 's'.

Everybody likes FAQs!

2004-12-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

Allow me to answer some questions I've already heard asked of others, in some form or another, to head people off before they ask them of me. Please note that I do not speak for all asexuals. We are all different and have our own experiences and views. The one thing binding us can be summed up on the front page of the AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) site: we do not experience sexual attraction.

For someone who says they don't want to have sex, you sure spend a lot of time talking about it.

You know, if you had a baseball blog, I'm pretty sure there would be a lot of entries about baseball in there - probably a number approaching 100%, even. This is an asexuality blog; therefore, I only post about those issues pertaining to my asexuality here. I have a lot of things going on in my life that have nothing to do with being asexual. I'm just not telling you about any of it.

Why are you anonymous if this is all about coming out?

Uh, because I'm a coward?

To paraphrase President George W. Bush, "coming out is hard!" I may be making it out to be a lot worse than it really is, but I'm not ready to unveil myself before God and the universe (and my circle of friends) until I've really hammered out what my asexuality does and doesn't mean for me and my life. That's why I'm here - to figure things out.

You're probably just gay and in denial or something.

No, I'm not gay, thanks for asking. I actually swing both ways - or neither, from the asexual point of view. I've heard it called "bi-asexual" or "bisensual." So, I'm not a repressed lesbian who just finds men icky (besides, lots of straight women find men icky, and that doesn't stop them from forming relationships with them). I happen to find both men and women attractive, though I tend to crush on men more often than women, and form emotional attachments more quickly with women than with men.

What's "bisensual?" What do you do, if you don't have sex?

Bisensual means I like hugging, holding hands, cuddling and light kissing with the people I like, of either gender. It's a level of affection that's a bit over and above the call of duty for platonic friends. I also don't shy away from skin-to-skin contact; I think it's pleasant and it makes me happy, but it doesn't drive me to distraction or whatever else you might think it does.

Are you just holding back for religious reasons?

No. I'm not even very religious.

Although it may look the same from a distance, choosing to remain celibate for personal, religious, or health reasons (or being someone who cannot have sex for medical reasons) is completely different from being asexual. I'm not a person who wants to have sex but can't, or has decided not to, or is avoiding temptation, or what have you. I don't want to have sex at all. So, no, I'm not waiting for marriage. I'm waiting for... death, I guess. Orgy at my place in the afterlife and everyone's invited!

So, no sex, huh? Ever?

Not if I can help it, no. I don't hate sex - I just don't care for it. I don't get what the big deal is. It's about as appealing to me as a gynecological exam.

Are you sure you weren't abused as a child or something?

Yes. I had a very affectionate, normal childhood, and a healthy relationship with my parents, and I have a healthy body image as well - in case you were wondering.

Well, you just don't know what you're missing.

Actually, I do. I'm not a virgin. I've also experienced orgasm, but I don't need another person around for that. In fact, I've never once had an orgasm and thought, "you know what would make this even better? Someone else all up in my personal space at this very moment."

But even if I were a virgin, I don't have to smoke pot to know I have no interest in trying it, do I? More power to you if you enjoy it, but I'm just not inclined to participate.

I bet I could get you to love sex.

No, I really bet you couldn't. Also, back off, buddy.

You're just saying you don't like sex because you're ugly/can't get any.

Wow, the people I've dated and slept with might beg to differ. Anyway, I happen to be very fiesty and cute. You only wish you were as cute as me.

You just have a low sex drive! I know all about it, and have heard that therapy/testosterone supplements/Viagra can help.

Uh, thanks for the advice. But low sex drive is only considered a problem if the person seeking treatment thinks it's a problem. If you want to want to have sex, but just can't summon the interest for it, and it's bothering you, you should seek treatment, whether that means therapy or hormones, or both.

Asexuals don't consider this lack of sex drive a problem. They are perfectly satisfied with their lives as they currently exist, and the above mentioned treatments would not be helpful in those cases.

But don't worry, my sex drive (defined here as the desire for sexual release) is just fine. I know this because I once spent 90 days on anti-depressants and wondered why the hell I couldn't, er, release, anymore.

Wait - if you masturbate and have dated and had sex, you're not really asexual!

Please see how I've defined asexuality above.

Let me put it this way: I have never been turned on by another person, ever, in my life. I have been in love, I have had my heart broken, and I have known people I thought were so beautiful they made me cry. But none of them have ever turned me on.

So do you ever plan to get married or have kids, then, with this no-sex thing you have going on?

If I should be so lucky to find someone I'm crazy about, who's crazy about me too, he or she will know about this part of my identity and I would be honoured to spend the rest of my life with him or her (though if I were living in the United States, I'd better hope it's not a "she!"). It's possible to be in love and share a life together and still not have sex.

But for the record, I'm willing to have a little sex if it's that important to my partner. Relationships are often about compromise and I understand that. My partner, in turn, would have to understand that it would be like asking me to massage his/her feet: he/she'll enjoy it a lot more than I will.

As for kids... no. Children are strange and foreign to me. Cute, though.

2005: the Year of the Asexual?

2004-12-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, I'm calling it right now.

I'm gonna make this my year: grab my asexuality by the horns and make something out of it for once. Lemonade, perhaps, or whatever the old adage is.

What did the old wives know about asexuality, anyway?

No matter. This year I resolve to determine what exactly it is that I want in a significant other, or whether I actually want a significant other at all. I resolve to be straightforward and honest about my asexuality with any future dating prospects (and then watch them run for the door).

Okay, okay. I resolve to not be cynical and pessimistic about the prospects after I come clean about being asexual. I resolve not to sell myself short and date people I'm not really interested in, even if that means being single indefinitely. I resolve to be happy with being single, even to the point of indefinite...ly...ism.

The abuse of grammar in the preceding sentence is making me weep.

I resolve to try to meet more people in general, men especially, because I recognize that I have trust issues with them and shouldn't shut them out of my life entirely. Oh, also, I resolve not to freak out and do irresponsible things when any of the above fails to yield immediate results.

As I look over everything I've just written, I have to admit that I am kind of freaking out. Am I ready for this? Am I ready for my big anonymous asexual coming out party?

Hey, hey!
I'm A!
I'm not getting laid and I'm here to stay!

Yeah, that'll do.

Whatchu' Talkin' 'Bout, Everyone.

2004-12-25T01:45:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by Getupgrrl.

I was inspired by Celibate In The City.

I was inspired by the fact that I have an international flight to catch today and won't be going to sleep tonight.

Hello, my name is A-Sexy Mama, and I'm asexual. This is my blog.

I've decided that the best way to sort my thoughts out is to get them out in public and let strangers give me input on how to live my life. No, wait. To get them out in public and see how I grow and evolve over time (and see if I get the handsome yet sensitive and politically-aware prince with the white horse and the sunset in the end, maybe).

So let me start by saying Happy Christmas if you celebrate, and Happy Extra Day Off if you don't, and I'll get around to posting in a regular fashion in just a bit.

[The title of this post comes from the Christmas episode of The Simpsons I just watched, featuring the voice of Gary Coleman. Did you know he was a 30-year old virgin? Maybe he's asexual, too. I have no evidence of this, but hey, all the other minorities get to claim dubious champions for their causes - I say we take Gary!]